2001Nov

Wish You Were Here  (Waters, Gilmour) 5:17

So, so you think you can tell 
Heaven from Hell, 
Blue skys from pain. 
Can you tell a green field 
From a cold steel rail? 
A smile from a veil? 
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade 
Your heros for ghosts? 
Hot ashes for trees? 
Hot air for a cool breeze? 
Cold comfort for change? 
And did you exchange 
A walk on part in the war 
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here. 
We're just two lost souls 
Swimming in a fish bowl, 
Year after year, 
Running over the same old ground. 
What have we found? 
The same old fears. 
Wish you were here.

I've known him now.. for just a month. The original proposition, blend my words, with his music. What happen? Love like I never expected to find, or have find me. Complications, the married guy.

I was going to sit here and write about relationships and how each one gives you a little clearer picture of "the one". I was going to sit and write about what I learned about myself in the past year of dating. But.. I don't really want to write about that. Instead, I want to write about Floyd.

Sometimes, they say, you just know. I remember even after the first email.. being intrigued. And admittedly, a sharp spike of excitement kind of took over for a little while reading his first email and responding back. He came into my life approaching me with manners, a whisper across the internet, and stimulating my desire to write, and have my writing appreciated. He came out of a dark shadows like some long desired dream. I knew that if I slashed through those shadows with light I would find that he was bound, by what I wasn't sure. Because it can never be that easy. But then.. everything worth having is worth the wait, the energy, the love, and the work. It was a marriage that was wrapped around his ankle. The barbed wire of which cut into him leaving him desiring something else from the world. My hands off instinct quickly disappeared leaving me metaphorically standing naked in front of him holding out my hands ready for the joy, or pain.

I would say that 95% of the guys I have gone out with, I have loved, cared for, but in a lot of ways.. lust kind of took over right away. With Floyd, I mean it would be nice to find myself in the throws of passion with him, but it doesn't even matter. His voice, his words, sharing our stories, our likes and dislikes, the ideas of all the things we can do and see together.. that is so much more, more than I thought I would ever have with anyone.

The best way I can say it that most people will understand is to align it with something we all know about. 80's movies. Anything from Sixteen Candles, to Ricki Lake's Hairspray, to Revenge Of The Nerds. In each of these movies, the underdogs get the love that they so rightfully deserve. They don't have to settle for second best when the best is on their door step. Make any sense? If this were a movie.. it would be one of those feel-good movies that has a plot created to keep you interested to find out if they actually do get together in the end. All the players are here Floyd.. why don't we just see if it is a happy ending?

Seeing a married man makes for a difficult process. Two people, especially when they first meet are giddy with sharing. We want to show them everything about us and know everything about them. Discovering someone from their life history to their ticklish spots is such a good thing. I have been walking around pretty much on a cloud since I met him and I think I do the same for him.

When someone is in a marriage, it slows all that down. Which in my case is actually a good thing. It lets the whole thing just bloom nice and slowly like the feeling you get in the last days of summer. Make no mistake about it, I want him. It isn't his voice, his music, his words.. but him that I want. He brings out in me the good and I love to bring out the good in him. I think.. that is what it is suppose to be about. Two people that can when they are in their 40's ditch a day of work to run off to some romantic campsite or hit a local amusement park. Those moments. Floyd gives me moments and that is what life is about.

I thought I was collecting moments along the way with my previous endeavors, but.. what I find is that with Floyd, I can remember so many moments, the kind that love stories are made of, and I just don't want to let that go. It means more.

So now.. downfall has hit, but you know.. it is ok. My fears, is that he will just give up. When you leave someone, it has to be because you want to be free of them, not because you have someone else to run to. And.. I am not even asking him to leave his wife. All I want is to be a part of his life, and if that is as a friend, a writing partner.. I will be that. And along the way I will remind him about those wings of his.. and how.. when he is ready he can soar as high as he wants without fearing the fall. That is all I can do.

So Saturday.. messages left, sounding ominous he tells me he is not ready to fly. I don't blame him. Three big things came up. I am just hoping that he is staying put just to clean this up and not to be bound even further. I can just see his wife standing there like some correctional officer who found an inmate trying to escape but getting caught because they fear the outside as much as they hate the inside. I can see her standing there with the look of " I win, I told you so..". That makes me cringe because I don't want her to win, I want him to win regardless of me.

And then the phone call... he calls, and lets me know he loves me, not sure which way to go, but knowing that he has to stay put for now, to keep safe. I can sense frustration in his voice and I just want to hold him. He doesn't even know that if he showed up on my doorstep with nothing, no money, no car, no job, I would take him in because I believe in him and I believe in what potential we have. And.. I love him. I would give my all for him. He leaves me with, a request to email, to keep in contact so that he has someone to talk to.. someone to understand. That.. I can give him. The rest.. I know he has to find himself. I may have wings of my own, and I can carry a heavy load but he has got his own wings, he just forgot how to use them. So.. I will show him. I will continue to share myself with him, my love, caring, understanding, and anything he needs until he lets those wings unfurl themselves and he trusts in what he already knows, that he will be OK.

So.. I made my calls, I left the voicemails, I sang for him (don't laugh) and let him know what I think he needs to hear from me. I won't give up until he tells me that he happy where he is at, wants to spend the rest of his life with his wife and that I should go away and never come back. I can't hide my feelings, or my friendship. I don't however want to be thought of as some psycho chasing after him. Just someone who believes, and loves him. I am willing to wait as long as it takes. But for now.. that being written, the voicemails being sent.. I now commit to silence until he contacts me. He knows...