2002Feb
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February 25, 2002

Over ten days since I wrote last.. ya'll gotta be thinking that something is way up with me.  Well but of course!

I have been dating... and wow.. what an odd ceremony we all go through trying to find that match for us, that person that pulls us into ourselves and makes us think of all the silly giddy things that we don't like to admit to thinking about.

I am going to save you all the review of my dates.  It really wouldn't do much good.  I am however going to write out some of the things I learned about myself over the past few weeks.

I realized that much like my mom (sorry Mom) the candidates of the past haven't been real strong men.. I mean yes they are men but very weak ones.  I don't care who you are, you are broken.. there are cracks somewhere in the dish of your life.  I am not excluded from this.. believe me.  I guess, I have reached out to so many people in my life that when I meet guys I tend to dig real deep and find their cracks and nestle myself in those cracks trying to fix them.  Do they ever throw that back to me.. naaa not really.  A few of them questioned a little bit but not enough to really make me accountable for the cracks of my own life.

So.. what do I look for now.. not a macho man believe me they are the worst, but I have realized that I am a strong headed chix.. and I think that my match.. maybe someone equally as strong headed but not commanding, challenge me, make me weak in the knees, hit me with your best shot, woo me, seduce me, make me want to give in and break down that wall.  Make me feel like I am worth the effort.  A man that knows he has to be strong but also knows that if he did break.. that I could carry the load and I would hope that he would be strong to carry me as well.  A man who can breathe me in and not choke.  A man that can make me laugh.. even over something silly and find some joy in just being able to watch me those few moments before the alarm clock goes off in the morning.  A man that remembers that even a tough gal likes to know you are thinking about her, likes little notes left in her bag to be discovered later, likes some hand picked flowers left on her doorstep so when she leaves for work in the morning.. she is surprised.. these are the things I believe.. and in exchange.. that man would be treated like a king.

I know how I want my life.  I wanna share a life that does include family and all that, but also includes surprises and weekend trips to Cancun and dancing.. there is a balance that can be met, the world can be seen, the parties can be danced, and the Tuesday nights watching TV with my head on my man's lap can all be balanced, if I believe it...

Sappy.. maybe?  Realistic.. I think so.. 

February 14, 2002

Yes it was Valentine's Day today, no roses came to rest on my day but that is ok.  I wouldn't want something that wasn't driven by emotion and a true heart... besides roses are soooo cliche :-)

Ok.. so doing the whole dating thing.. keeping my eyes open for love, for interest, for something.  For some reason.. I have been more confident over the past few weeks than I have EVER been before.  I feel more powerful, more pretty, more approachable than I ever have.  I am actually allowing myself to think that the looks I get from guys are legit.. that they are thinking something.  Now I am sure that some of them are totally not the "hey baby" kind of looks but none the less I am getting looks and some of them appear to be "I'm interested" looks.

I went on a date this week, and my date gave me one of the best compliments.. he told me I DEFINE big beautiful woman.  Of course he was concentrating on the beautiful part when he said that.  Ya know I don't wanna be defined as big, but the beautiful part.. well that was really cool to hear.  I honestly just want guys to see my face, my eyes, my mind.. and find that beautiful and not worry about the rest.  I think, as I get older that is happening more and more, and in that I am gaining confidence.

So.. what about the men who may be attracted to me.  Well.. I am finding that I am leaning towards the younger than me crowd again.  I have a few people I am interested in.  Maybe in that I will find someone who can keep up with me sexually.  Sans Chris who broke up with me last October, I have yet to be with a man who can keep up with my sexual drive.  Granted sexual drive is really high when you first meet someone.. and the last relationship I had, had some big time extenuating circumstances.. I certainly would have liked a shot at seeing if he could keep up with me.. especially when I cut loose.  

So yeah.. I am trying to keep my eyes open.  I still believe that someone will really have to just tell me they are attracted to me for me to really get it.  I mean so far.. everyone has had to do it.. now I am in that process of learning that some guys really do find me hot stuff (LOL even thinkin of it sometimes makes me laugh).  But.. I guess one day I will have to learn that other people see me through more rose-colored glasses than I see myself.. I think once I realize that.. the real power of my life will bloom.

February 13, 2002

"The large lioness hones in on her prey.. slowly she approaches through the bush and begins to track, a huntress, she makes eye contact and...."

Have you ever felt yourself on the hunt.  Like really.  These past few days I am so looking at men like a piece of meat.. waiting for one to just try and challenge me.  Someone makes eye contact.. and I am sure they can see the defiance in my eyes that says come on.. you wanna piece of me.. I dare ya.

I genuinely feel myself on the prowl.  Is that bad?  Ida know b/c it feels good.  I am walkin taller, looking better, and feeling better.  I feel like a big ole cat just waitin to pounce.  Even on the loves of the past.. the defiance, the challenge to take a piece of me again it all there.

Maybe I am just horney.. naaa it isn't just that, I think, rather I know something big is going to happen real soon, I just have be strong enough for it when it comes.

I am not going to sit here and whine about Valentine's Day and how pathetic it is that AGAIN.. I am not having a good one.  At 27 you would have thought that at least ONE of them would have been good.. but naaaa never.  I suffer alone tomorrow.. drown my sorrow in.. in... in.. masturbation.. or writing, or work.. or something.  

And then I will get over it because that is what I do, I survive and go on with life.. just like everyone else can do.. I just admit it faster.

Well my friends.. dis girl is tired.. and I think I am going to take my lion ass upstairs and into bed curl up and think about the could be's in my life.. 

February 9, 2002

This whole dating again thing is really nutty.  I mean ok last year as a run down this is exactly what happen.

1.  Meet some guy, really NOT my type at all.. WAY not my type even if at the time I didn't even KNOW my type.  Entertain the thought of playin.. we all know playin I mean we all have those kinds of needs ya know... but he was way too boring to even consider a one night stand.  So one date and then.. nada.

2.  Meet another guy proceed to have a friends with benefits situation that gets a little hazy.  Were emotions involved, I think so.. but we were much better as friends... although his kisses still haunt me.

3.  Meet yet another guy, this one FUNNY.  So sweet and really just the best heart.  GREAT AMAZING FANTASTIC COULDN'T GET ENOUGH LOVER.  I would pay him if I had to, I would beg him.. if I had to.. (are you getting this Chris?) but.. the distance became such a large factor.  That.. and to be honest, I was so focused on work and friends I wasn't being fair to him either.  I know this.  But the sex was so good and he was so funny and.. I loved him and I am glad that we can be friends after the fact.  He made me feel good simply because he was a good person and he thought I was beautiful, he made me feel beautiful.  

4.  Then.. came.. the one.  This was a new experience to me.  One that I had read about in novels but never thought I would have the chance to experience.  The good guy bad boy mix, intelligent, brooding, cute, musician, creative, the lost soul type, and he just wooed me.  And me being such a wooer myself.. well damn a fire just started.  

You know I heard in a movie clip.. and in life many times that sometimes you find that special someone and it makes you want to be a better person, a better you.  To be more true to yourself, care more about yourself and others and be who you really are.  I think we did this to each other. 

Around me, he tried to stop smoking, composed music and prose, looked into being a better person within himself, was trying to be true to himself and really believe in his dreams and also to let loose enough to really smile.. (I sometimes miss those smilin' eyes).  Me.. I tried to be better by starting to let my wall down, going and doing some of the things I always said I would do but didn't, tattoo, singing, writing, writing, writing, and believing in my dreams and also how my dreams.. strangely enough fit so well with his dreams.

He allowed me to know that I could be the world traveler type, the mother, the lover, the true love type.  He allowed me to think I was beautiful, and that if others didn't see it (although I always tell others this and never believe it myself) that they were blind.  He would stop in the middle of making love, like out of a movie and ask me if I knew that he loved me.. and I did or to tell me how beautiful I was.  He allowed me to believe that this kind of love, and story book entries do happen to real people and that I deserved that.  I deserved more than just sex and the afterthought of love.  I deserved love.. with an afterthought of sex.. 

And now.. dear friends where am I?  Sometimes jaded.. really fuckin jaded.  Sometimes weak with want for what I had and belief in that.. or something like that being mine again one day.  Sometimes really angry.. for not getting what I want, not being good enough for him, beautiful enough, or creative enough, desperate enough or whatever it was that he needed.  Sometimes just sad.  Other times so happy that I was fortunate to feel this way about someone and hopeful that there will be others.

So now.. the cycle begins, I already had one blah date.. so one down.. how many more to go before I find someone who inspires me while I inspire them.  One who will slowly embrace me in his arms and slowly allow the passion to build itself between us until desire takes over... how many more?