Ok.. once and a while I have to be a little playful!!
January 31, 2002
It's been a month now.... but I am not going to dwell on that.
Someone said to me one time that they didn't want to love me because they needed me, they wanted to need me because they loved me. Anytime I have loved someone I ask myself this question, and invariably I love them, but I didn't need them. I always found this kind of curious because when you are with someone, you just need them. You need them to be a part of your life. But.. for the most part, I loved, but never found myself in a situation where I couldn't easily imagine going on to the next person or going on without them. Until there was him. I now know what it is to need... to crave someone in such a way that you aren't insane but you sit and try to think of all the alternative ways to be involved with someone until you slowly gain acceptance.... slowly.
I am not.. thankfully.. one of those women looking for the husband, the children, the white picket fence. What comes to be will. I do not need to plan such things. It is alright for other people to plan these things, but I do not want these things defining who I am. But... I can say that I do want love. I do want the kind of love that doesn't have to be a challenge every day. The kind of love that wakes up on a Friday morning and makes love in the dining room just because we can, there is no, oh baby not on that rug.. or anything like that. Making love is an extension of a person's creative passionate flow and I get soooo juiced on the thought of that, or just laying in bed giggling and taking our time to get up and greet the day like mature adults.
There will always be challenges, in thought, in drive, and in who is folding the wash wrong. These things happen. But your every day core of beliefs in a relationship should be on the same plane. You can't play softball with a glass egg. People are built differently and the quicker you learn to see that and know what you can and can't work with, the easier your relationships, romantic, friends, work or otherwise will function. Sometimes you can quickly learn that you will always have to agree to disagree with people.
So this need I have.. what was dug from me that created this crevasse of ache within me? It is a crevasse that can be filled by other things and people, this I know to be true, but I just hate not finishing what I start.
January 30, 2002
Broken. Sometimes there is something wrong with us. We can't explain it and sometimes it can be fixed and sometimes we just have to learn to live with it.
Why is it, when we are broken we never think anyone would understand it, or embrace it. Do we not realize that love is a strong antidote to so much. A good love knows this, a good love wraps up those broken parts and adores you for your broken parts.
I have a few friends who think that because they have something wrong with them, even me, with my weight, or whatever, mental issues, whatever it be, we think we are not good enough for someone else because of these issues. Sometimes.. it is these very issues that endear us to others.
My brother is a perfect example of this. Paul was (is) a great guy. He was a lot of fun, he was so loving, so intelligent, and just.. hmmmm, sad to think of him as gone. But he had problems. His symptoms so real now that he is gone. So easy to see now that we know the end of his story we can figure out all the plot lines from earlier in the tale, even though it is now too late. But life is like that sometimes. His problems.. treatable. Did we recognize the need? Yes, and no. He did drugs to hide from his sadness and anger. He did drugs to forget what he couldn't seem to let go of. When he was alone, which he hated and feared, it all became worse. He concentrated on the bad things in his life, and doubted who he was and what he was capable of. He didn't even think he was smart or worthy. Had we known more, had he been able to explain, maybe we could have caught him before he fell... maybe not. I love Paul for him. I know he was so sad sometimes... but I like to think that when we were together, that that sadness went away, and I saw that.. his happiness was mine. That smile he gave when he broke through and then began to relentlessly pick on me, I yearn for that.. around me he never stayed down long, because I didn't give up on him because I love him and you don't give up on those you love, you just don't.
His mood would turn and we would find ourselves goofing around making fun of my ex :-) ok I didn't say we were angels but picking on other people always made Paul feel better, that.. or just sitting there holding him.. and it was always better later.
Was I reaching out to fix my brother, maybe. But I love him, why wouldn't I want to keep him at that happier place. I may have given too much, but there is never an end to what you can give when you love someone and in that loving... you always get something back.
January 26, 2002
I am happy to report that sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll are very well alive on the tour busses of the bands of America.. and it is a good thing.
Last night, I got myself dressed up and went to the Kittie, El Nino, and Chamira concert at The Chance with Leslie M and Mike. I don't think Leslie M and I had any idea what would happen to us last night, but I am soaking up every minute like a piece of bread to some good beef stew drippings.
Me donning my pigtails, short plaid skirt and kick ass shoes I let the music fill me up, and a few drinks too. The music was great, the first band was ok, but El Nino was so good that I had to whip out paper and write my own lyrics, it was very powerful. It is such a turn on when the guitarists is in the middle of all that hardcore strumming and just jumps like 4 ft. in the air and all the rest jump too. The house was rockin, the heads were boppin and I... I was diggin it all.
Kittie played and that was awesome, the crowd ate them up like chocolate covered bon bons, and they wanted more. But when the music stopped we chilled. :-) but not for long.
Along comes a spider and sat down beside her.. a few minutes later we were in the El Nino tour bus with the band members and staff, with drinking and enough pot smoking to fill up 5 busses. Me.. not being a person who has ever done drugs.. well lets just say contact high makes a gal really relaxed. I am not one to be star struck whatsoever and that didn't change here. These people are just like you and me.. but they are living it.. instead of saying, yeah I want to be a rock star.. they are doing it every day. I gotta admire that a little bit. And damn.. the tour bus WAS nice.
I talked with Morgan from Kittie about anger girl music and how the business treated girls with growl. I talked with the lead singer of El Nino about writing songs. I talked to some of the staff about why women who masturbate are better in bed.. well you all know me.. no holds barred in conversation with me. And it was genuinely a cool thing. We did reach a point though that the sleepiness and the munchies took over and we made our leave of the tour bus.
And Leslie M. and I sat there in the diner looking over at each other and both of us were thinking once again.. did that just happen? And.. indeed it did.
Just another situation in life, that since I have been free of Patrick, and allowed others to affect my life and point of view I threw caution to the wind and lived. So now my friends.. I am entering this day with a little bit of a slower look on life.. primarily from all the pot smoke I inhaled by accident, and the 3am mozzarella sticks that I couldn't do without.. but I am entering the day knowing I didn't shut down, that I opened up and I am all the richer for it.
So... how did you greet your day, closed doors or open?
January 24, 2002
Have I been hiding from myself? When was it that I started hiding? What made me want to be so tough and be the strong one? Why couldn't I be weak once and a while? Maybe I don't trust anyone to be there if I fell? Maybe.. that is what I have done wrong so many times before. If I could trust, then my commitment to believing in others and what my heart is saying may finally let me come out from my hiding place and dance with the rest of the crowd.
Maybe it is that fear that doesn't let me say all the things that I want to say, or when I do speak it isn't what I really need to say. My defenses raised I defend my point of view even when it is uncontested (thanks... you know who you are for seeing this..). I must be heard but beneath that rising voice and intention, I hide.. and I can't get that back. Not that others are perfect. Sometimes when we think we are being honest.. we are actually not even sure ourselves and should know it is ok to say, I really don't know yet.
You can't go back, you can only go forward, so where do I go from here? I forgive those who have been lost. I want to be taken away from this place I am at now and let myself be fixed. My madness brings me sadness and my sadness brings me some sick sense of knowing that I don't deserve to be happy or deserve love, but I do. I feel righteous in my "undeserving ness". Sometimes it is almost like I feel better than others because I don't feel I deserve the happiness they all seem to have. What brought me here? And who will deliver me from this?
One man.. was strong enough to show me the door.. but wasn't sure if he was to walk with me or not, his wounds also deep. So now.. maybe I am to find an escort for this walk... my wounds healing, my eyes open wide but not looking, just waiting for that whisper over my shoulder, that soft pressure of love from behind and arms wrapped around me and the words that make me melt into him...whoever he may be.
January 22, 2002
So I am sitting here.. 1am almost turning on my clock.. a few drinks keeping me warm and some new age music flowing out over my computer from spinner (www.spinner.com) and my thoughts.. as they always do float to him.
I sang tonight.. I did well... they cheered for me and it was good. I felt empty though. There was this vision I had of sharing this part of me with someone.. but that vision is fading..
I don't really have much to say as a few drinks have made my eyelids heavy.. and the new age music makes me think too much. I sit here before I type and do yoga to soothe my mind and meditate a little bit.. but it just isn't pulling me in. But I am ok...
January 21, 2002
I have put off writing for a few hours here. Not sure about what I wanted to write about really. Hmmmm... again I find myself in the position that I have something to write about, but the thoughts just aren't quite clear. Me thinks they need another day or so to fester.
Probably just this one quick thought before I go crawl into bed.. a relationship is one that loves unconditionally. It gives and it gets without expectations. When it is right, it just happens naturally, and yes it can be scary but hell, life is scary. What I fear most.. is not living the life I have been given.
Someone once told me a story.. remember when you were in school and you liked someone but you couldn't tell them, you were scared of rejection? But what if that person liked you too but feared the same thing. Then you would have 2 people who liked each other but were afraid to just go for it. And then what if one of those people dies? What a waste of time that is. We all waste so much time being afraid. No one ever died of rejection. No one ever died at having to make a decision to change their life to make it more of what they want it to be and less of what others want it to be.
Sometimes it is ok to be weak, but let me ask this, if a noose were around your neck, would you hand the end over to another person and trust them? Or would you decide maybe it would be best if you would hold it. That is what you do every day you turn away from your dreams, you trust someone else, fate, parents, lover, a spouse if you are on a road that isn't the one you dream for yourself. Tick tock tick tock, nothing is guaranteed in life but at least you can have more control of it. If I died tomorrow would you keep reading this journal entry wishing you had new ones to read, wishing maybe you had said something to me that you thought but you didn't say? I hope not..
January 20, 2002
Often in movies and in life when people have a car accident or something happens that brings them close to death, people will ask, "Does he/she have the will to live?". Do they have the mental strength to want to live or have they given up?
I am asking this question now while I am still alive and uninjured of myself and others. Do I have the will to live? Do I have the mental strength to go out for the things I have dreamt about and heard about? Or am I comfortable in just sustaining this form until death takes me away. And in that moment, when I look back will I know how I cheated myself out of a life well lived? Or will I feel that all that wasted time of not being happy and not doing all those things I dream about was worth it because I was sacrificing my own desires for someone else's vision of my life?
I don't want to think that I would look back and feel cheated. I want to look back knowing that I tasted water in different countries, even if it did give me the shits, that I saw the sun rise and the sun set on different coasts in different countries. That I wrote, and that people liked what I wrote. I want to know that I got up drunk or sober and sang to the masses no matter how small or large those masses are. I want to know that I did good for other people and helped them be happier. I want to know that I loved, and was loved truly and that that person I loved would feel it in his soul when I died.. even if he passed before me.
These past couple of weeks had me going in so many different directions. Here I am a woman, at 27 who still believes in true love, still believes that there are a few people out there in the world who I am destined to be with in one way shape or form, and that is special.. it is an eternity of magic I am talking about. I came in the past few weeks to doubt these kinds of things... feeling like it was maybe all just bullshit. That that didn't really happen anymore, it was all about sex, money, how good looking you are. I came to question, not doubt, but question the idea I had in my head about meeting someone who could reach so far into me and pull out what hurt in me instead of me just being the one to pull something out of them. I even came to doubt the sincerity of my most recent love affair. Thinking that maybe it was all just a game to him.
But, I can't believe that.. I can't let one man ruin my ideals about love and life. If it was all a game to him, maybe a piece of ass, so be it, but that doesn't mean I am going to lose that thought in me that believes in what life is all about, and that is living it and loving within that living.
So I ask you, do you have the will to live? Do you have the will to look back one day from your death moment, no matter how near or far, and say to yourself, damn, that was a good life I had there. I had love, I had spirit, I had fun... or will you doubt? Will you regret? Will you feel as though you lived in a cage and never really let loose. Will you look down upon your tattoos, scars, and piercings and think that they really did symbolize you, or will you think.. it was all just false?
I don't like to waste my time. One thing that my relationship with Patrick taught me, is that you can't drag things on if you can't be there 100%. That goes for life and love. Yes it takes a little bit of time to get in the door and get 100% out of someone and give 100% of yourself, but at that moment when you stop giving 100%, know that life is short and you are wasting your time. Love and your life are waiting for you if you don't fear living.
I look back over the past 8 years of my life. I haven't lived all that much. I have slept during an unfulfilling relationship, other than the fact that we were friends and comfortable and had a lot of time invested there was no reason to stay, because those aren't real reasons. I worked and went to school to hide first from him and second from the pain of losing my brother and being alone.. and now.. now all that is gone. I have work, but limited, and now there is this void. This void that is ready to be filled up with life, and love if fate brings me that way.
So I ask.. once more before I close this out and go to bed.. Do you have the will to live, now while you have your life? Or will you be one of those people who looks back and says.. hmmmm.. I missed so much.
January 19, 2002
Yawwwwwnnnn.... A Saturday afternoon. The house.. finally almost organized. It is so sweet to walk into a home that has new curtains, a clean carpet, the warm clean smell of home and knowing where everything is and just having it be a pleasant place to be.
So this place I am at.. SINGLE.. talking to guys again with a different point of view. This time.. trying to figure out if the signs they are throwing out are "I am interested in you" signs or "hey you are cool.. as a friend" signs. I guess I just need someone to come out and say, hey.. I am attracted to you, wanna hang out or something.
The past few months, say November through January I haven't really been myself. I thought about this a lot over the past weekend. I haven't been myself because I was too busy either with work and school and trying to balance romance, and/or the holidays and the turmoil of the romance that I was trying to have.
I sat back this weekend and was thinking about how other people look at me and how I see myself. I was thinking about how because I have been so busy this past year that I haven't been able to really be myself or had the time to be myself with anyone. So.. I decided I needed to construct who I am and think it through.. filter through this building I call my life.
Who am I? I am 27, soon to be 28. I am old enough to be happy spending an evening with my head on my lover's (if I had one) lap watching a movie or some silly sitcom. I am young enough to in the middle of the night wake up and want to make love. Or to take off on a Wednesday night and go see a band play. I am old enough to realize the beauty of family and how just sitting down at the dinner table with loved ones around can give you such a full feeling, and no.. not just in the tummy. I am young enough to go out bungee jumping and get a tattoo. I am old enough to pay my bills on time and have a plan for things I want or want to do in the future. I am young enough to be spontaneous and believe in being in love and believing in other people's dreams, and old enough in that to know the truth of the dreams and the possibility of making them a reality. A good balance. If I were a parent now.. I would live the parent life but VIBRANTLY. My children would need to know what it is like to go out to a pool in the middle of the night at a hotel and just jump right in, but also to know that those fun things that make life so much better to be a part of need to be balanced with reality and responsibility. Most people don't think this can happen.. but it is quite easy.
I don't want people to think I am a party girl, but at the same token I am no where near done having fun. There is a lot to see and do out there and I got plenty of time. I spent close to 7 years waiting to live again.. with or without someone I am going to do it. But.. that doesn't mean I don't crave those quiet nights alone with someone too. Just because I don't want to waste any time being boring in my life, doesn't mean that those slow times aren't a much needed part of my life and they are by no means boring.
I just don't want to be asleep.. you miss so much.
So who am I? A chameleon of sorts. I realized a long time ago I am the kind of woman that can stand in the corner looking like a school teacher and like I am the nicest person in the world. But I am also the kind of woman that can don her fishnets, a short plaid skirt and hit a gothic night at a local club. I am the kind of woman that makes a great mom (I have mothered too many to not know that this is a role I play well) but also the type of woman who sends the kids away for a night to make wild love to her man all over the house. I am the kind of woman that has a good balance between her dark side and her light side. But.. ya gotta have the key to get to both sides of me. I guess I kind of pride myself at being able to fit into almost any situation that is thrown my way. Ya just gotta give me time and situation to see how I am. I have a very quiet side, I have my loud side. I have a shy side and a very outgoing side. I have my sad side.. but you won't see her often, and of course my humorous side. I guess growing up with a range of people between Harley guys and school administrators, well I never tried to buck the system on either end. No one was too good or not good enough for me to learn something from. I may have grown up in trailer park, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I am not there now.. I am beyond those days but I do look back and thank goodness I did start there. When you are climbing up from the bottom you can see all the shit in the shadows. When everything is given to you, you can't see anything in the shadows and if you ever fall.. you will fall hard. And.. you won't appreciate a damn thing in your life, including the love that people give you.
Well.. my thoughts for now. I may come back and write more.. but for now.. that's it...
January 16, 2002
Letting it all go. Accepting that fate has a hand in things. This I know to be true. I know that if I close my eyes, like the fickle little fairy she is, fate will come around when I least expect it and give me a little kiss on the cheek to remind me that she has it all under control.
So.. what is it that fate is flinging my way this week. What little plan does she have to bring me back my smile again. I know she has given me answers to questions already, now I just have to do what it is that I know I should do.
I think she is at work though, I see her taking that silver thread and weaving something in the air for only me to see. Something that may bring me to a place I need to be a place where my heart can be again safe.
But in the mean time, I will just have to wait and see what she brings me. Today.. she brought me the realization that the good I think I do for people actually does work, even when I get militant about it. A voice from the past came out of the shadows and now has a happy life to share with his new wife. This may have never happen but as I recall, I made quite a stink about something that might have taken him away from her. Good to see it all worked out.
Well.. I have a million things to say but it is 1am and I had a few drinks so it is very much the time for sleep.
January 15, 2002
Lost and found.
You know we face each day as a new discovery upon ourselves. One day we learn about the the truth behind our favorite old children's cartoon, the next how to serve up our hopes and dreams on a platter and watch someone else devour it and then spit it back out. But with each.. we DO learn something, even if the lesson isn't the most pleasant.
I have some big decisions to make over the next few months. I am applying for a job that may take me out of the USA for 2 years. 2 years is a long time to entrust yourself to yourself. But I always knew a broken heart would take me farther than I had ever gone before. And bring me back again. And in that I would have to go through my own rejuvenation. I would be forced to see more of myself than I ever had before. This vulnerable, hurt, and tired person I am now is not a person I ever was before, at least not that I recall.
Somehow there had always been someone there to catch me. When my boyfriend cheated on me, by some strange ironic twist, I had already started talking to someone else and through that built to the breakup of my relationship and quickly into a weekend escapade that made the hurt go away. I seem to have always been one step ahead of the man in my life. This one.. I didn't know I should have been one step ahead. It felt so right that I didn't think I had to. I guess I was wrong. Looking back I knew.. I knew it was all a dream, but it was a great one while I had it.
What feels bad though is all the advice people try to give you. They know some of the story, because I have told them snippets but because they have not been in the picture all the time it is hard to justify to them the feelings I have, and even the evolving feelings. Which, are evolving but take time. And I can't even explain myself.. I think I need to start shutting up.
I can get over this, I have gotten over this and honestly, I do not find myself in love with Floyd any longer. I love him.. but I can not be in love with someone who can not be with me. I have realized that it was not I who was not strong enough, it was he who either has his heart quite aflutter in another direction, or is too weak to lead his heart to his own soul's music yet. That is not to say that I could not fall in love with him again, it is just to say that in love constitutes and all inspired event. And painfully I have forced myself away from this to spare him.. and I guess myself, even though I could live a lifetime being in love with him and waiting for him. What good would that do me. I think some people in this world we are just meant to be able to fall in love with at the drop of a dime. He as well as Rick are 2 people in this world, although Rick I have never met in person, I think that quickly I can throw away the past and allow myself to float in that "in love" again.. and again.. and again. Yeah like I need to admit this.
I look at him now and he doesn't even look like the same person. It's funny. The person he is now.. I wouldn't really even give a second look to him if I saw him somewhere and didn't know him. Not that it was ever about his looks but now he just looks obedient. I can see that a mile away. Obedience is not attractive especially on him. But it is true.. that is how he looks. He doesn't look like the musician with passion that I met now 3 months ago. That person had a sparkle in his eye, this person, has given up, and doubts.. doubts what he felt, doubts what we shared and is slowly writing it off as some little trial to see if his marriage was strong enough. I wanna say right here and now.. It wasn't a fuckin trial. One day he will look back on this and remember these words.. remember how it felt to read them and wonder if I am right... and maybe that day he will pick up the phone and track me down and tell me I was so fuckin wrong, or I was so fuckin right, and if it's the latter I hope he asks me for dinner and coffee to catch up.. If I haven't already been caught..
So.. angry girl... no.. honest on what I am seeing.. yes. Will he hate me for having this opinion maybe. Maybe it will hurt which I don't want but in a situation where I have no say, I can't reach out and change things and bring him back to that place with me, I think I have a right to say what I see and what I feel... including the fact that I love him.
To bed with me, midnight crawls in and fondles my desire for sleep..
January 14, 2002
Sometimes I really am at a loss for writing in this journal of mine. Why you ask when I seem to have so much to talk about any other time? Well.. I guess sometimes I got stuff going on that I just have to sit on for a while before my brain lets me have a clear thought on it. And.. I am learning that sometimes I have to decide what direction I am going in before I throw it out there into the collective sub-conscious of the world. I seem to get myself in trouble if I throw too much out there before it is really ready to be out there. Like taking a cake out of the oven too early and serving it at the party.. just a bad idea in general.
Ahh yes in my old age I guess I am beginning to place some restrictions upon my flighty honest ways. Some people just can't seem to take it sometimes that I put out what I am feeling even if I am not sure what that feeling is. I guess sometimes I can be the queen of confusion when I think that all I am doing is being honest.
Well I am keeping it short this night. I will let some of these feelings and thoughts stew over another day before I decide if they are ready for the world or not. Sleep will be my friend for now...
January 13, 2002
I was reading through some writing.. well not really writing, but a chat session I shared with someone.. I am sure we all know who. It is funny.. how you can discover the truth in past's words. Fortune was told and we didn't even see it. I had gone to the book store and looked up this particular matching in a book called the "Secret Language of Relationships". It came out with the following info.. all good mind you:
Inventive Entertainment - idiosyncratic and quirky, unusual, enjoyment and fun couple usually find themselves in the center of a circle of friends w/positive influences. Comedy, play acting, and love of games commonly known with this pairing. Relationship allows partners opportunity to go own ways without negative criticism, or attempts at reform. Both parties are comfortable and enjoy a solution to loneliness and asocial tendencies.. together lose all shyness. Both hate domestic duties, must have formal arrangements or will cause home based chaos. If children come along, most likely they will take on household duty management. Both are extroverts, Pisces-Aries holds mirror to Sagittarius emotions, helping self discovery. Pisces-Aries instigates and nurtures spiritual awakenings... Sagittarius must not see Pisces as the only outlet. Final note: Advice become serious occasionally, household chores do matter, don't leave work to others.
It says.. right there in plain English what we did/do for each other. It is kind of interesting to look back and see that the reality was exactly what was written there. Just wish it was still going on.
Have you ever felt like you had a special reason for being here? I know that priests and spiritual leaders do, and I am pretty sure that other people do too although some may not admit it. It seems, boastful to push yourself as having a special purpose. But.. really we all do. In that special purpose, there is a lot of unselfish work that needs to be done, but sometimes.. you do feel cheated.
A few years ago I had a long dream during which I had a conversation with God. Everyone knows I am not a religious person at all. Spiritual maybe, but by NO means am I religious. I do believe in some kind of power that enables life and the interesting things that happen within the confines of life. Well anyway, this dream has been an important one to me, as several of my dreams have been. But during this dream.. I died and long story short God sent me back to my life because I said I would go down and help people to live their lives. I also told him I wanted to have a family and really appreciate my life and share that life and love with someone else.
Sound insane? Naaa give me some credit here.. if Joan of Arc heard voices I think I can have a significant spiritual dream.
Since that time, I have had many dreams which seem to indicate my path to me or the things I need to help others with. I have also had people come into my life, and upon looking back on those friendships and relationships, it is almost like I was just in their life long enough to say the right words.
So.. what happens when you tell someone about this dream you had, and your life experiences and then they believe that maybe... the reason that you are in their life is to "fix" them.. or say the right thing to send them off to a happier life. But you have dreams about there being a different reason for you being there, that may have little to do with them, but more to do with people they know or their family?
I came to receive this comment this week from my most recent dearest. He suggested that maybe all this crap that we had been through was just to bring him to this point in his life, and that maybe.. my work was done. What he doesn't know.. is about all the "guiding" dreams I have had that have nothing to do with him, but instead about someone he knows. That my contact with him has more to do with him putting me in touch with someone else and the reaching out that this person needs from someone like me.
It may sound crazy to believe in your dreams but I do believe them to be at times.. another way to look at your life and situation. Dreams may allow us the ability to view something in a way our conscious mind may not want to let us.
Should I believe in my dreams? Should I tell him of my dreams or just let it go and hope that this other person or person's get what they need from someone else? Should I close my eyes? I guess it wouldn't phase me except I have had so many dreams of this person.. that it has become almost a daily occurrence and more needy as the dreams go on, and I have never even MET this person.
I guess, I will get a sign of some kind, some outreached hand asking for help or something. Oh.. and my dreams of my now severed love.. seem to tell me of the future... and I wonder if all the dreams he had of us, if those are just part of some future we have yet to find that we may not be ready for, or maybe just his fantasies. But I guess only time will tell, and I can't sit here waiting for the future to come, I can only live my present as it is.
January 12, 2002
Well it is 11:41PM I am awake.. listening to music, singing my heart out and seriously trying to figure out how I am going to find another guitarist who will have the talent and sight that a certain someone else had so I can continue this whole writing music thing. I have never been so inspired the way I was when he played guitar and I yearn for that again. Sitting in my living room with someone, them tinkering on the guitar, and me not able to control my writing. That was some kind of magic.
So.. I am on the hunt down for one of 2 things, a new beau, or a new guitarist, or both hell why not.
I met a very interesting woman a few weeks ago and I had the pleasant experience of having to work with her again yesterday. This woman is older. She has seen much of life that I have not. 3 marriages, and a world seen, this woman still has her flame. I gotta give the woman props for all she has accomplished, WITHOUT a man. This woman pretty much came here.. with little money and from that built herself up to making a pretty penny and having all that she wants in material items and luxury. Although.. she is sad. She has seen the love come and go, and still in her late 40's it has not stayed with her. I fear this.. a lot. Not finding someone that is "more right" and just kind of being out here a loner.
I know.. that this life is made by me alone. They say you come into this world alone and you leave alone. I don't necessarily believe that. I believe you come into the world with all the love and possibility and it is only your choices in life that lead you to loneliness. But I tell you it just looks a lot nicer in the future if a man were around to share it with me. But, maybe I am not ready for that quite yet.
January 10, 2002
Well in these last shining moments of what started as a shitty day, I can honestly say I will sleep tonight with a smile. Some things you can always rely on to make you happy.. well, not that I am taking this particular thing for granted, but it was nice to know.. when I needed him most he listened, and joked, and made me smile.. again, and didn't ask any questions.
No promises were made, no fortunes told, but a good conversation from someone who I care about and who cares about me for years.. well the past can sometimes heal. Thanks.. you know who you are.
Sometimes it is hard in this world to let go of things. But in a world where so many people don't understand how to love, or even imagine love, sometimes it is good to be the one chick in the group that still believes in love at first... ahem.. sight.
In a freaky kind of way, my love at first sight has happen twice, although the one... I just haven't seen yet. But that is ok. Sometimes you meet someone that for whatever reason they are able to open doors within you that you didn't even know you had. It is REALLY hard to look back on those doors and slam them closed again, especially when you got so much out of them being open.
I have always written when I felt. Sometimes much to my demise in a situation. I have always known that someone truly reached inside me if I needed to write and couldn't stop myself. That.. that part makes me believe and really latch on to people. If they can open up that in me, it is a gift that I don't like to let go.
I have written for all my loves usually one or two poems, but only 2 have brought from me such intensity, that I actually turn myself on :-). A few weeks ago, these two forces clashed. One (at the time) new love who offered so much that there was no time for all we had to accomplish. The other, a voice, an email rather from the past. Someone who always felt deeply, always a secret behind that soft growl of his voice, but someone who.. maybe even still today is afraid of what we might have been.
So.. you understand my quandary. But since the past had hurt me, I opted for the new love.. only to have the new love hurt me. but before I was hurt, the old love, now a reliant friend, well I just reached out and took what vision he had of building our friendship and I just smashed it for no other reason than I was so sure about my new love, that cockiness became my shield. But.. I was wrong.
With years behind us, hundreds of hours talking, and a good understanding of each other's souls.. or so we think.. tonight a friendship was rekindled and that is all I needed.
I watched a movie tonight where this guy went back to his last 7 girlfriends and wanted to know why they broke up, what went wrong. In the end, he discovered that he needed to be honest with them, cut them loose when it wasn't right even if it meant hurting them, it would shorten the pain by being honest. He also learned that.. really there are no "ones", there are those that are more right and those that are more wrong. You have to find one that is more right and then work at it. I wonder, if I ever do take that leap and marry someone or even have a significant relationship again, if I will find a more right person and work at it or will I pick someone more wrong and work at it only messing up myself and my life more. I spent close to 7 years trying to work at someone who was more wrong, thinking if I just didn't give up that it would all be ok. It wasn't, it never was. Sorry Patrick.. I thought it was me but.. really it was just us.
I met someone who came from a similar past, broken home, moving all the time, never really feeling home. All that can make you ache inside but as adults, it sometimes seems to give us license to run if things don't go the we want them to, especially in relationships. Maybe that is why I did stay with Patrick so long, I didn't want to be like my parents, I wanted to prove I could hang through the thick and thin. But, if what you start out with is the thin to begin with.. then you have nothing to build with, nothing to stick to. And.. it is like Kenny Rogers says, you gotta know when to hold, and know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run.. and it is ok to run if you are losing the game. I am not broken because I could run, I am healthy because I can see an exit sign when the game is over. No hanging around for autographs for this chick, no curtain calls, just reality.
Some people would claim I fear commitment, or that I can't give someone my all, but what I say, is I can give my all, when it is the right person and I could stay for a lifetime in those arms, if he also gave me the same.
So.. I said goodbye to one love today in hopes that he finds his way, whatever way that is and hello to an old friend. I mended a bridge I thought I burned, and I watched someone else toy with the idea of burning a bridge with me, but instead we just put a nice lock on the gate to the bridge. Maybe one day he will find the key, or maybe one day, the bridge will just be gone.
So my thoughts for tonight, love, friendship, movies, and just a better day, a more mature day. What started out as a day of thinking immature thoughts and being angry to hide my hurt, ended as a relaxed acceptance that life is what she is and if you want to dance with her, sometimes you have to dance to her tune even if it isn't your kind of music.
Think on that my friends...
January 9, 2002
A night brought on cold and my heart is bound in its barbed wire of reality. It beats slow and steady so as not to scratch the surface and scar itself for eternity. It is beginning to rest easy, knowing, just knowing.
I am not going to sit here and type out one more damn sappy heart-broken journal entry about Floyd. I am not going to sit here and mope about how I didn't get what I want and he is blind to what he could have. I am not going to pout about how he inspired me and I inspired him and how there is so much we could share with each other. I am not fuckin doing it.
What I am going to do though, is get over it. Besides.. they have a song, you don't know what you got till its gone, and I haven't been gone. But now.. I am.
The songs will write themselves again one day. I am living with the "hunter again" theme, thank you Dido..
So, home is calling me. PA is pulling me again. Maybe it is because slowly but surely I am losing the reason for me to be here. My friends have moved away or are significantly involved. So the lonely-girl syndrome is kicking in a little but sokay. The gym also calls so.. since the gym is usually full of nice looking guys, tvs, music, and just life in general.. it is a good choice to fill my time, plus drop a few lbs can't hurt seeing as the market seems to be calling my name.
Well sleep is calling me by my first and middle name.. that can not be good. So I must go into the dreams again. Ah yes.. into the dreams that give me what I don't have or.. what I could have.
January 7, 2002
"He's a real nowhere Man, Sitting in his Nowhere Land, Making all his nowhere plans for nobody. Doesn't have a point of view, Knows not where he's going to, Isn't he a bit like you and me? Nowhere Man, please listen, You don't know what you're missing, Nowhere Man, the world is at your command. He's as blind as he can be, Just sees what he wants to see, Nowhere Man can you see me at all? Doesn't have a point of view, Knows not where he's going to, Isn't he a bit like you and me? Nowhere Man, don't worry, Take your time, don't hurry, Leave it all till somebody else lend you a hand. He's a real Nowhere Man, Sitting in his Nowhere Land, Making all his nowhere plans for nobody." Lennon & McCartney
A Monday comes and a Monday passes and I wasn't sure how to treat the day, or how the day treated me.
When Patrick left, now over a year ago, I spent my Monday nights to myself, going to Barnes and Noble, getting a hot chocolate and just reading. Or I would grab a little salad at the Tuscan in the Mall, read, and watch people walk by. I didn't like doing a lot on a Monday night.. after all it is a Monday. But just something to get me out and relax. A routine maybe... what a concept. A calm Monday night with no responsibilities, no company, no work, no school, just me.
Tonight, I stopped at one of my favorite Italian restaurants, read my book, and enjoyed a small dinner, it was calm, soothing, lonely... yes, but it was mine. Then I did something my body needed, no not the gym, after all this knee of mine in none too forgiving, but I did do some tanning. Something about sunlight, even fake sunlight that can just, brighten an outlook just a little.
So now I sit here. The TV is on in the other room, just for noise so the house doesn't seem so empty, and I am typing away considering my day and wondering how life is on the outside.
Sometimes I wish I could just peek in on my friend's lives to see what they are doing right now. Most of them are probably watching TV, or reading a good book, or on the computer, and maybe even a few are crocheting. And me.. me I am pondering my life and where my next step will be.
Last year when I went through being alone, I had school and work to keep me busy, but it seems as though my safe havens, my escapes, have escaped me, but maybe that is a good thing. It certainly gives me time to sit back and imagine all my possibilities, and in that, I don't have to apologize. For the first time, since my first love, I am actually out here, alone, with no backups ready to jump in to swoop me off my feet, and no internet friends to pull me from my real world.
I look back over my life over the past 8 years, and it really has been from one to another with very little breaks in between. This is not a bad thing, just my life. The breaks are usually filled with friends with benefits.. so even then, I haven't really been alone. Someone to always share a warm spot is always right around the corner at all times. There was always someone to call, even if there wasn't an in-person lover, always someone who had a crush on me that I could call and they would make me feel better about myself, and I would try to put my emotions into that and maybe believe in whoever I was clinging to. Honestly, most of the time I knew I could never give them what they wanted, me.
So now, here I am, they say that love hurts.. I guess that is how I knew this was love. But how can I let it go, or do whatever it is that I am doing? I guess faith that it is mine and will be back or isn't mine so I shouldn't have it to begin with is finding its way into my heart. Does that make sense? But it is still hard to do. And friendship.. oh yeah.. that. I have been so good at turning ex love interests into friends, I turn a switch in my mind, and bam it is done. But this time, can't do that because it is such a big lie I can't face myself in the morning if I do that. I want the whole sha-bang, and for once in my life, why can't the storybook be about me.
These past 3 months, I have experienced things that I didn't think really existed. We have all seen those movies where the guy comes swooping in at the last moment, or the guy who is passionate enough to call just to hear your voice, or the guy who leaves tiny gifts and mementoes just because he wants to, not because he has to. These guys are not suppose to exist. But.. at least one does.
I guess I should be really thankful I got a taste of that. And there for a moment, I thought maybe it was all planned out, but it wasn't, it just happen that way, like magic. Like the snow falling slowly on a Saturday night and those half breaths while I looked over the car at him, like slow motion, I could live in that moment forever.
I think that is why this is so hard to let go. The times I spent with this man.. were good. I didn't sit back and analyze I just enjoyed and started letting myself go and be the person I am on the outside.. AND the inside, granted slowly... but everything is baby steps. I guess it just doesn't make sense to me if you genuinely enjoy being with someone, and there are possibilities for so much more, why.. we wouldn't want to give it the good ole college try. But then.. I can't decide this part.
What has this done to me? SOOOO many things. It made me believe that all the songs, all the movies, all the books, are based on some reality or someone's reality. And.. that I am worth these moments. I have been on the discount rack long enough and I deserve these things that make life rich. It is so hard to believe in these things though. Apathy is a daily visitor in the dating life of a 20-something. It tends to be about the money, the looks, or the goals but.. I ask what about the filler? What goes between the money, the looks, and the goals?
How about those Tuesday mornings, when it is raining outside and early spring. The alarm goes off at 6:15am. He rolls over to you gives you a nasty morning kiss and says, lets go to the museum in the city today and call in sick, while he flashes you that "Dare ya" smile of his...
It's that kind of filler that makes a life rich, rich in the soul children, rich in the soul....
January 6, 2002
Six days into the new year and I am finally starting to wake up a little bit. Have I been asleep? Not necessarily but I certainly have been a little down lately. Not usual for me.. I know. This time of year everyone is caught up in the after the holidays rush to get back into their daily routine. Me.. I realize that since school is done for now, all I have is work. And.. I have no routine, just lil ole me putterin along on the highway of life.
My friends are great, but they have been pretty busy. Most of them involved in a significant relationship that keeps them snuggled up with each other during these cold winter nights. I feel like the 3rd or 5th wheel at almost every event. But I should be used to it. I got 2 cats to keep me company and a house that I have been slowly but surely going through bit by bit and getting rid things I don't want or need, and in the process cleaning like a mad fiend so if I ever do have company, or a significant other for that matter.. I will be all set. Besides I want to make sure that when the roommate comes home, she gets the clean-up-after-yourself idea.
So... living room almost done, only thing left is to organize the music collection and get some things to hang on my damn walls. I don't usually spend all that much time home, so I tend to avoid even noticing how... scant my place looks sometimes.
Kitchen, ah yes the kitchen, a haven for science experiments that I have been avoiding because of depression, or just because I didn't feel like it, now.. now is beautiful once again, sans the last load of dishes I am doing right now. AND... I did something I have been saying I was going to do for months, I spent a large portion of the day making enough food to last me all week long. Homemade tomato soup, and beef stew.. that keeps a body warm. I only wish I had someone.. to appreciate it with me. Boy doesn't that sound pathetic.
I am beginning to think that someone has some kind of curse on me though. This week, I got sick, thankfully only one day of major ick.. and all the rest are the normal sniffles, nothing too terrible. Then... of all things hours before I was venturing to the gym for the first time in ages (I MUST REMEDY THIS!!!) I popped my knee out. DAMN!!!!! Oh and yeah this guy that I love, madly, deeply, and can't seem to let go of.. he went back to his wife.
So.. what am I really thinking? All this babble up top is all well and good, but what is really going on in my mind?
I miss Floyd...