June 7, 2002
Sometimes I wish I knew the answers I don't know.. and could disregard the answers I already know.
It seems funny to me that I should get a call from Floyd the day after I write up this scathing journal entry as is listed below. Did she see it? Did she wail about the atrocities I spoke of. How dare me write about her. She this perfect princess of a wife. But who I am I to know... other than her issues shouldn't be with me, but instead with her husband and her marriage. If a wedge can be placed between two stones, then there has to be a gap to begin with.
Rest assured, that even though I do miss Floyd, and I do miss some of the others, yes even my dear Chris who brought me laughs and was just a wonderful lover and such a tender hearted guy.. I know my place right now is not with them. I may not know exactly my place and where I am heading is entirely new to me but.. I am giving it a chance to envelope me. I just don't want to hurt anyone along the way. But then... maybe I will be surprised about the strength that lies within the heart of someone true, which maybe the man I have met now.
I can't say I have fallen in love, but I do love him. I think my parachute keeps me in check. Besides, falling hurts although I miss that fire-full falling of my previous endeavors. The inspiration.. the passion, the breath...
So I am a little sad tonight. His call shocked me but I let him know that I was seeing someone, and all was good. In a way.. I heard his voice drop a little bit, but then maybe it was my imagination. Part of me thinks that he yearns to just hear me whisper I love you.. I want you back....... but I can't do that.. not now. I wonder if he sits tonight and thinks of me? Maybe... maybe not. No matter.. I know there is one that thinks of me tonight who has a true heart and who knows what he wants.. conclusively.
Good night dear readers..
June 6, 2002
Midnight crawls in, bringing with it a thunderstorm and I awake with a scream. And sometimes I can feel my darker self wake up... the side to me that has less boundaries, the side to me that gets angry, the side to me that gets aggressive, the side to me that knows more. And I wonder where this side comes from. This side that is somehow willing to throw away all she knows and take what she wants out of the world instead of waiting patiently for it all.
We walk in life so sweet and innocent most of the time, but all of us have that other side to us. Most of our friends and family don't have any idea this exists, nor would they admit their own.
For the most part this other side is controlled and kept in order, let out while driving, or in those brief moments we cherish when we take someone else's parking spot, or use the last piece of toilet paper at a party where you don't really like anyone anyway. Those juicy "gotchas" we have here and there. The little imp in us takes it's appetizer if you will and goes back to sleep.
Some of these moments, I regret. My angelic conscience pinches my nose and says, " That's not nice...". But the rest of me pretty much feels like saying "Fuck off".
For example... this little feeling I get that Floyd's wife is reading my website. Maybe she and he are fighting or the second honeymoon has worn off since their move to Austin and she is keeping a little eye on my site to see signs of my contact with him. To that, I say, if you have a problem with your husband Julie, maybe you should just fuckin ask him instead of snooping into my world to gain insight. Maybe you should consult that VooDoo doll of yours instead of combing through my thoughts and poetry. Don't use me to fix your marriage. Why don't you just kick back smoke some pot and assimilate more into the numb bullshit you call a marriage.
And... the little imp goes away now satisfied that I have thrown out my thoughts and been more true to myself... is that what you were looking for Julie? Maybe sometime I will publish all the emails, all the chat sessions that I shared with Floyd so you can get a great big look at that other side to your husband that you seem to be looking for.
All that aside now... I am more at peace with myself. The storm is subsiding and I guess I am too. Sorry Floyd.. I can only give so much... but now I am done.