May 28, 2002
It has been a long weekend, and I am still up.... yawwwwnnnnnnnnn... ok so maybe not enough to sit here and write something brilliant up for friends, families and wives of ex-loves to read.. so.. I am calling it a night for now. But rest assured, I am living the good life right now.
May 15, 2002
My dreams as of late, is to find that real love once again. Well.. not find because I really can't look, but I miss that smell of a man that surrounds me when he leans into me while I am cooking, just to let me know he is there. I want my "at last", my lonely heart warmed no longer lonely.
Some things drive me crazy about men. The right body temp that just feels natural to me, a certain warmth in someone's hand. The way their hands rest upon mine can amaze me. Sometimes it is even as simple as the way their veins move under their skin on their arms when they are telling me a story about their day. Some of the simplest things make a man so desirable to me. I close my eyes and listen to the music flow and I can imagine this man standing behind me while I write, proud of me and leaning in to smell my hair, maybe occasionally leaning in to distract me with a kiss on the neck beneath my jawline.
I want someone who is mine and I am theirs. No questions about it. No more of this hit-n-run friends with benefits crap. I am so beyond that. Hurt put me in that place once again and I realize that has never been me, never been me to compromise sex for my true spirit. And only 2 have inspired me to believe I deserve more, neither one quite prepared for me, oh in some ways they tried to tell themselves that they were, but they weren't.
I am afraid that I won't have that feeling again, or that feeling won't find me. I am afraid that that little sample I had a few months ago was all I get in life and that just isn't fair b/c it wasn't mine to own... but then maybe that is my lot in life. To not really have one true one for me. Just to have been used to settle a marital score, or to be an occasional telephone conversation... Where is my prince charming, the guy who will know how I like his hand on my lower back guiding me to a table when we go out to eat. Or he will know how I like to be called Angel, even if it is far from the truth. Someone who will like to draw soft circles on my naked back while watching me sleep late on a Saturday morning.
Have I missed my chance at this? Have my perfect moments all been spent on a man who couldn't make up his mind to love and trust in me? Hmmm...??
May 13, 2002
Ah yes... the rain falling and it is late tonight. Some Etta James playin on my computer here and the words are coming out of my fingers typing out to whoever decides to have a look at my life over the next few days.
Time has been escaping me as of late, and sometimes I worry about it, but sometimes.. it just goes so smooth. The next couple of weeks are pretty full, and thank goodness for that. Something about this up and coming summer that has me excited and happier. Happier than I have been in a long time.
Have you ever felt something coming on. Something you weren't sure of quite yet but you felt it coming on so much that you can't even wait for it to happen. My life is changing by the moment. For the past few months my life has been messy. I have just been grabbing ahold of what I needed to go on with but not really taking ahold of my life at all. But.. that feelin is changing and I know that changes are coming.
I find it amazing how sometimes we can get lost in ourselves, in our pain, loss, depression. We totally lose out on moments that are so much better than that moment but.. we do it anyway. Yes we all need to heal but there is a time for hurt and then there is the dwelling. Dwelling buries us up to our necks in something that can keep us there forever, and this girl dwells no longer.
May 3, 2002
Good Guy vs. Bad Girl
I absolutely hate those bad women who meet a great guy. The kind of guy who actually doesn't want t fuck you on the first date. The kind of guy that not only claims to respect you but actually does. The kind of guy that finds you charming and wants to make you smile for no other reason than to see the funny gap between your front teeth. The kind of guy who loves to learn more about you and then uses that knowledge to truly show you he cares. He is the moral man. He is the good man. He is RARE.
Then this woman (as previously mentioned) comes along. Sometimes she is sweet and sometimes she at the core is bad to begin with. This girl comes along and crushes these beautiful men. Men who do want to BE prince charming and they turn him into Al Bundy. Those wenches!
So often people blame men saying.. oh boys will be boys.. but in the end.. it is usually we women who do it to them. We should be blaming ourselves, well not be blaming but be conscious of the sins of our sisters.
What I hate is that these guys get jaded from their heartache. They become unsympathetic and hurt. They brood over what they did wrong and think that they may never be good enough or in that situation again. They are broken.
But.. I have done it too. In my effort to NOT be THAT girl.. I ended up being her probably more than once. Based solely upon not knowing when to let something go or just not knowing what I wanted. But.. I realize the more I don't know about what I want.. the more I hurt the other person.
So it isn't easy trying to take the high road and being totally honest. Give people a chance but know when to cut your losses. And the sooner the better. Often times in an attempt to be "nice" we drag something out much longer than it need be. We are going to hurt their feelings.. that is a given but at least give them the dignity to be able to go on faster. Be truthful about WHY it isn't working and then go on with your lives. Anything else is a game.. the kind of game that crushes the Prince Charmings and creates Al Bundys.
Be Safe - Save Your Prince Charmings.. oh and if you have a spare one, send him my way :-)
May 2, 2002
It amazes me sometimes how people can grow on you. You reach a point that someone you may have looked past, now becomes someone you want to be with all the time. They make you laugh, they make you think, they make you want a little bit more.. maybe.
I have in my past always been one of those women who can pretty much know right off the bat if I will like someone and if it can work out. Sorry to all of you who have been so quickly evaluated and tossed to the side. I mean of course some people you CAN tell that there is NO WAY it was ever going to work, but others.. the on the line ones I maybe should have given them a chance in some ways, as long as there is some spark.
I am learning... especially now more than ever that it is all in me. It is my choice to follow something or to let it go. The tough thing is not being the only one to work for it. Not that falling in love should be work, but damnit.. we should all be at least "trying". Believe me I am in no rush after the last heart break to have another one follow so closely after. So I am takin my time just enjoying getting to know people as friends... with a little bit of potential.
I have learned some things about myself as well. The man that keeps me at bay sexually is the one that gets my heart. The man who leads me too quickly to the bedroom will lose my interest sometimes because what I want.. has very little to do with sex. I mean don't get me wrong.. sex is really important and I know that I have an appetite, quite a bit of one, but it is that anticipation mounting (ahem.. I said mounting) that keeps me going, forces me to build on more than just sex. I like that. I used to think that it was the guy that did that. Like if you slept with him too early he would think you were a slut, but I realized that sometimes... I do that too, I dismiss them if hey haven't showed enough strength to keep me at bay. Life is so silly sometimes.. but someone did teach me (although I got a broken heart for it) that waiting, and finding beauty in the rest of person's being is so much more important than sex.
So.. I am learning more and more. I am remembering what it is like to believe in building a friendship at the base of a relationship, and I am having fun. Although I am not dating anyone currently, I am having a great time getting to know some new friends and spending time with old and that makes me much happier than the crap that goes along with dating. So... I will just stay where I am for now in that whole spectrum. Maybe that will change but for now it feels really good.