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Monday October 29, 2001 We smile and go on with our day. A month done passed and the rubble is still piled high in that city we all know that doesn't sleep. No I haven't written of this before. I haven't written of the confidence I have that things will be ok, yet the small fear in me that grows. The fear that makes me want to pack all the little things and get far far away from here. And in that distance.. I would leave the place I have come to know, the job I have come to depend upon, and the many people I have come to love. Fear can not possess me. I know, we all have our time. When tragedy strikes, especially one such as we've experienced in the past few weeks, we as Americans rally in support of those who have fallen, and with determined vigilance we pursue those who have chosen to pick on us. Like a family we bond together against this bully who has not chosen his battle too wisely. Or has he? We think that we are so untouchable. We wave our flags for a few weeks, false patriotism soothing our pain, but this time, will we all make it through? A few years ago when the Gulf War broke out, it brought me to a place of fear. All confidence was lost. Could this be the big one? We saw that it wasn't. Our government, in it's heavy handed ways quickly damaged our opposition. But it is different this time. Death, is knocking on many doors this evening and none of us are ready or know how to answer the door. When times like these come, we bond together. The notion that life is short and we have to enjoy it as much as possible becomes our theme, because we all face the possibility that this may be our last day. We just don't know. Maybe that is why I have changed my views as of late and those theories of my friends and family have become clearer to them. People have begun to breathe again. I say that because so many of us walk around suffocating each day. Suffocating by our debts, our guilt, or would-a, could-a, should-as. Getting caught up in the soap operas of life and not believing in why we came to be. The simplicity of life begins to coat our thoughts and it becomes apparent, we haven't been living, we have been dying. We have these grand epiphanies. We see old lovers and realize what has been lost. We look at our spouses (well.. I don't because I don't have one) and see that many of us are married to be married, not married to love and share a life with someone. We begin to see the time we spend watching TV instead of with our children has been a waste and that while we were amused by "The Weakest Link" our daughters and sons have been neglected. We truly begin to open our eyes and see that we haven't been paying attention at all. We have been asleep and suffocating. So.. we wake up a little. We begin to take in those breaths again, feel our lungs expand, feel them contract on the exhale and rid ourselves of years of blindness. But.. sadly this rarely lasts long. Few people continue to keep their eyes open. Comfort and the "easy" way is so much more inviting and many of us fall back to sleep and live to die. Life, is a gift most of us take advantage of. Few of us live a life so well as to want to remember every detail, or to even have made a significant contribution to the lives of others. We should be awake every day, not just when tragedy strikes. I feel as though I have been awake for a long time, but there are many things I know I have slept on. Comfort is a quiet killer. My resolve, my plan if you will, is to love, freely without consequence. It is a special gift to love and be loved and I am not going to throw away the love that has come into my life via my friends or my soon to be lover (I hope :-). I am going to enjoy these holidays, and use the next 2 years to complete my education and live frugally so that I can pay off my debts and while that degree is being placed in my hand, be able to take in freedom to fly. I want to see the world, well, more of it but I want to fulfill my obligations, to know that I have sunk to the bottom and that I can float to the top and all that while I learned along the way. And in that time, I hope that love grows stronger, and I grow stronger. My thoughts tonight good people.. are of the man I love, the friends I care so much about, the people who are lost in the world, and.. last but not least those who don't know. So while you ponder the violence of the world and what it means to your dinner parties, and your hair and nail appointments, ask yourself, when is the last time you breathed?
Tuesday October 23, 2001 Took a change to see me, now that you believe me its like I'm dreaming sweetly when you're here beside me. I've never ever felt so like I found which way to go when you touch me gently I remember how you know, and the sun shines rings around your smile and I'm here laughing like a child there's just one place left to start with the pieces of my heart. Changed the stars to find you lost the mask and broke through no more secrets from you I would lose to love you and I have never felt so like a man that's been set free I can spread my arms now you can place your trust in me and the suns shines rings around your smile, and I'm here laughing like a child, there's just one place left to start with the pieces of my heart. I can't stand to lose you, to break would never get through and I can't only love you if I use all the pieces of my heart and the suns shines rings around your smile, and I'm here laughing like a child, there's just one place left to start with the pieces of my heart. - Dan Powell - Pieces These words, for some reason heal me. They make me realize that this is what I am looking for in love. Someone who sees me as more than an accessory to their life. Someone who sees my smile and cherishes it. Someone who takes things simply as they are. Is that asking too much? I don't think so.. I came to a major life acceptance the past few days. As much as I try to tell myself I have been selling my personality, intellect, sense of humor, and yes.. even a slight bit of beauty. In so many ways, I have been selling my sexuality. I guess... I must admit, that I am a woman, and I have been naive. Until someone came along and approached me in an entirely different way, I would have never seen this. My day of reasoning with myself has come, and he who gave more respect than all the others has brought me into myself and made me understand that I am more than just my breasts, more than my sexual prowess, more than all of that. The others may have tried to get me to see, but for whatever reason, they failed and succumbed to my bed-ly invitation. I have also come to find, this habit I have of finding myself infatuated with long distance Romeos must cease. I realize that my self esteem and assumption that I am not really good enough for anyone, kept those long distance lovers in my life because it is so much easier to deal with. It is easy to discount myself and them due to distance. I am finished with this phase of my life. I do realize it is rare to find that one perfect person in your back yard, but I am not worried about finding him, we will, and maybe have, found each other. To clarify for those who have been left out of the loop, because I wanted to spare them my sometimes turbulent emotions, someone has found me and is bringing out in me the same beautiful beliefs that my first love once brought me. I don't assume to know where this all may go. I am content to take each moment as it's own and let our lives linger with each other and figure out the rest later. I do believe in the once upon a times and the forevers. I believe in the destiny that I create but I also recognize that we come into each other's lives with colorful pasts that lead us to each other. What we chose to do with fate and the likes after this, no one knows, and I am happy to not know. I am enjoying this. I've never had a real first date that was as sweet as the one I had a week ago tomorrow. No aggressive sexual take-overs, for all that matter, we didn't even kiss, even though we both wanted to. Even when we did kiss, on our second date (Sunday) it was so sweet, so innocent, like two 12 year olds just finding their way. That's what I want to do, find my way. I seemed to have lost it somewhere along the years. I lost the belief in myself that some people would desire me regardless of my sexual nature. And THAT.... is a such a good thing. Falling in love based on so much more than sexual desire is so welcomed right now. To be enchanted by something I thought I lost, THIS is a good thing. I feel good about myself. I walk taller, I iron my shirts more often, I take pride in looking better and feeling better. He has brought this out in me. Maybe it is timing. Maybe I needed the pains from my past, maybe it just happens to be this phase of the moon, no matter, it is time for me to believe once again in this simple thing, myself.
Friday October 12, 2001 What is it engrained in me that makes me think that I am so horrendous that no one would want to love me. Is it some leftover remnant of some high school or college experience that I just can't get by. Or is it some media inflicted device within me that leads me to believe that only the thin/athletic types will ever "get the guy" or have the 16 Candles Moment, the kind of moment that all good 80's movies have. When I think about the beautiful women in the world, and how some live in their beauty, and others, struggle just as much as I do to convey the fact that they do indeed have a mind and feelings, sometimes I wonder who has it easier. Maybe that is one of the things that keeps me from losing weight. At least as a "big girl" people may generally think that I am lazy (when in fact I am not) and/or I eat too much (which I don't), but I do have a brain and a personality and they are happy to share those two. Mind Body and Soul, maybe we can't have it all. Beautiful women, if they are smart, spent a lifetime saying, "But I AM smart.. really". But I guess, even knowing that thin or big.. everyone has their problems does little to soothe my own personal self-inflicted put downs. Why is it, that I can't possibly believe that an attractive, intelligent, funny, talented, and very sweet guy could possibly like me. I guess so many times I have "met" people and invariably, well up until more recently, these guys tend to just say... uh yeah.. nice to meet you and make a hasty exit like I have leprosy or something. They don't even want to maintain a friendship. You try to tell a guy that you are fat and ugly and he just doesn't want to believe it until he is within poking distance.. and then he can see for himself that the beauty from within... although a glorious beauty, may not be part of the external features of this particular model. More and more I really do try to believe what they say. I have found, that after my ex (Patrick) left, that even though I thought NO ONE would be attracted to me, when they were.. my low self esteem logs that into they just want to get laid. But is it so much to ask for something more from someone I am attracted to, not just someone who is attracted to me. I don't know the answer but I am trying very hard to stop putting myself down and appreciate the compliments when given, and take them as presented, not as some ulterior motive. But it is pretty damn hard to believe sometimes that someone I could see in the mall and think to myself.. "WOW" would be attracted to me. But then.. maybe they are but I just give off these vibes that say "NO NO NO". Maybe my body language transmitters aren't working. A few summers ago I talked to an old college friend. I always thought he was cute, but NEVER would presume that he like me as anything other than a friend, because after all I was the nice fat girl friend. But.. I come to find out.. that he as well as 3 other guys spent the larger portion of 4 semesters trying to determine if I had a boyfriend, I was gay, or something else b/c they were interested but I never gave them the "available" sign. Damn... I am certain that in the end it was for the best that I didn't get involved with some of them. But.. on the other hand, as lonely as I was so often, well, we can't have that time back. So how DO I give that available sign to guys I find attractive without seeming like some sad, pathetic, fat girl. I mean really. I know I can meet people on the internet and through honest conversation get them to appreciate my "inner" beauty, but what about all the rest? But then maybe "the rest" aren't the ones I am looking for anyway. Maybe the mental engagement is was reels me in to begin with and the icing on the cake is that they might some hot stud. Well.. a girl can dream... But then... maybe my dreams are coming true....
Tuesday October 9, 2001 So I am taking this walk now alone, but really not. I am not sure what the next day will hold, no idea where my heart or my libido takes me next. I did come to the final realization today that no matter how much Chris hurt me, I can't change his mind. He has to do what he feels is right for him and being in a relationship with me.. is not right for him. Now after "going evil" on him I hope to salvage a friendship. I have only "gone evil" once or twice before and it usually isn't a nice thing. Where most people go ape-shit on a regular basis I usually take the stand back and understand everyone else's plight position. Which means I get screwed over often and I don't even get to be angry, or dramatic, or irrational about it all. In other words, I turn off my own feelings in respect of another person's potential pain. And really it felt good to let out. I know that he needs me to respect his decision, and for all the world to see.. I formally list my apologies for going ape-shit. I am still hurt, but I DO understand, and respect Chris's position. And I hope.. he can find it in his heart to bridge the gap that is between us with a simple friendship.. nothing more to be expected or built upon. I am by no means rushing to find the next man to warm my bed. I need the kindred soul that also seeks mine. Substitutes and cheap thrills are wearing thin on me. And sometimes I wonder if I lost him already, that maybe I just didn't see it when it was right in front of me, or maybe it was just out of my reach.. but then maybe.. it just isn't my time yet and I need to kind of swim in the pool with the sharks to truly appreciate "the right thing" when I have it. In any case.. what this whole situation gives me, is rights to fall in love again. Isn't that the most wonderful thing. The first couple of days of letting someone into your life can be so amazing, exciting, or amazingly-exciting. I love falling in love, be it the first time with someone or falling in love with them again and again. I think a good relationship has it's ups and downs but the best.. is the one that lets the couple find magic in each other time and time again. We know little of the person who lies next to us in bed, really until we have been one with that person for a lifetime. I love that feeling that wells up in my chest, that excitement when the mail (or email) comes with his name on it. Every little comment held close and re-read time and time again so as to not miss one single millisecond of pleasure from each written word. And in the very beginning you can afford to not think forward. You can afford to just fly through the skies like some childhood fairytale. God it is the best. I even find when I am falling in love I am turned on about 95% of the day. I am ready for any kind of lovin at that point. Maybe that is why when I feel strongly for someone I try to get that portion of the relationship out of the way asap. Well no matter because right now this chickie.. is just going to let her heart go wherever it wants to go and clean up the mess later, and if there are no takers.. so be it.. being alone isn't bad all the time. Beats being with someone who doesn't want to be with you, or worse, who wants to be with you and you don't want to be with them. The truth is.. I want to be in love, but not be in love with being in love. That can be difficult, but I think at 27, I might just have gotten a handle on it. This song.. by Depeche Mode (1984) sums up my current thoughts... SomebodyI want somebody
to share I want somebody
who cares
Sunday October 7, 2001 The day is chilly. My feet are cold and an eye migraine has set in quite nicely making it awfully difficult to consider driving to work today. Maybe I won't. Last time I had one of these it lasted for hours. Maybe that is my body telling me that after this past week, I need some down time. There is a delightful musician known as Andreas Vollenweider who is playing over my computer right now. I checked out his website, although he has got a silly Gilda Radner kind of look to him, his soothing sounds are a welcome distraction this morning. This week, in no uncertain terms really bit down hard on my emotions and my whole outlook on life in general. A review of the week, although tedious in some respects, may give me the additional insight I need to continue on with the next.
And so here we are.... wounded, a little sad, listening to music that adds to the problem more than it helps.. but.. for now.. it is just my way. |